I'm Such a Wimp....

My wife bought the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and used it a couple of times last week while I was working out across the room.  I was scanning the Auction House on one of my World of Warcraft accounts.

She kept trying to get me to do it with her, but I didn't want to embarrass her, since I'm a shining example of "The Perfect Specimen."

I got home at around 3:30 yesterday and decided I'd give it a try without her in the house to laugh at me.  I put on a pair of shorts and spread out the workout mat and placed the two 3 pound dumb bells beside the mat.  I turned on the DVD and proceeded to work out.

It's a 20 minute workout, of which I did maybe 12 minutes worth.  The other 8 were spent doubled over with my hands on my knees, wheezing as hard as I could, trying to figure out where the nearest bottle of oxygen was and whether or not I could make it to it before I lost consciousness.

Fairly early in the video, she has you get down and do push ups.  I jumped down and from the standard push up position, you can't see how fast they're doing the push ups on the video.  I'm doing the down-up movements in time with the beat of the 70's porno music playing in the background, which I have to admit is better than listening to Jillian constantly encouraging you.  It didn't take long before I started doing the sissy push ups on my knees.  Not too long after that, I started my first wheezing session and rolled over to see the TV.  They were doing REALLY SLOW push ups compared to what I was doing.

The part I was really dreading was doing crunches.  When I graduated high school, I was a 6 foot tall, 130 lb beast!!!  Even at the prime of my life, I couldn't do 5 sit ups if my life depended on it.  Bo Derek could have promised me carnal pleasure in exchange for 5 sit ups and I couldn't have done it.  Jillian is whining about breathing in and out properly during the crunches.  Does she realize how hard it is to even breathe when you're grunting for your life after the third crunch?

There's a lateral lunge where you bring the 3 lb dumb bells straight in front of you at arms length while you lean to one side and then the other.  I was shocked to see how bad the dumb bells were shaking on the first lift.  I'm still blaming it on the rapid fire push ups from earlier.

Needless to say, I was essentially shot after my *20 minute* workout.  I dropped onto the couch and didn't have the strength to lift the remote up and turn off the DVD player.

I'm at work today, and I have to say that I don't trust my legs to take the stairs two at a time like I normally do.  I pretty much take one at a time and hope I don't puddle up at the bottom of the stairs.

I also won't be doing the Jillian work out tonight.  It's Men's Night Golf and I'll be going out to the Lane County Country Club (home of the grass traps and sand greens) for my work out.  That involves one swing of the golf club, followed by your favorite curse at the top of your lungs, quickly followed by 3 or 4 minutes of 12 oz Bud Light curls out in the neighboring wheat field while you look for your ball.

The Jason Lorimor Explanation

My step daughter has a *thing* with deformities. I'm not sure where this came from, but she took me over to Scott City to have the lump on my left shoulder blade looked at. The gal told me it's nothing and that she doesn't think it needs to be cut out unless I really think it needs to be cut out. I'm going to point out that I told the PA I'd rather she used a chainsaw to take a look at it than a needle.

I don't like needles. I can watch horror movies and see people getting their heads ripped off, guts pulled out, limbs yanked off, etc., but if the *bad guy* pulls out a needle to give them a shot, I cringe like a little bitch.

We were at the Bowling Alley here in Dighton, eating breakfast. I also have to explain that Amy and I stick up for each other. If Annita picks on one of us, the other sticks up for them. Amy and I had slammed Annita about something and we were all laughing....Except for Annita. Amy looked at me and said, "You're more like a step-brother than a step-dad." I burst into laughter and was still trying to regain some composure when she added, "A younger step-brother."

Back to deformities.....Amy told me that it's a deformity and I *need* to have it removed. I explained the whole "needle" thing and she didn't have a problem with that. What she told me was that by the time I decided to have it removed, the lump would have it's own rib cage! She named the lump Jason and he has taken on his own life.

Probably a week or so later, I'm out at the Lane County Country Club with my dad and I remembered Jason.  I looked at him very seriously and said, "well, I suppose I should tell you about Jason Lorimor."

Dad's eyebrows rose up above his receding hairline and I could see the "you mean I have a grandson I don't know about" thought, plain as day across his bare forehead.  After several minutes of laughter I told him about the lump and what the doctor said and Amy's thoughts about the whole thing.

He still gets brought into conversation more times than you'd think......